Buddhism for Couples by Sarah Napthali

Author:Sarah Napthali
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-05-17T16:00:00+00:00

SEEING BUDDHA NATURE

In his book The Wise Heart, Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield reminds us that we have forgotten our essential nature, our original goodness, and that of others, too. We all function behind protective layers that block our Buddha Nature: “Our belief in a limited and impoverished identity is such a strong habit that without it we are afraid we wouldn’t know how to be. . . . And yet some part of us knows that the frightened and damaged self is not who we are. Each of us needs to find our way to be whole and free.”5

Just as we limit our own sense of identity by seeing ourselves in habitual ways, we also limit our perception of others, not least our partner. Hence, Jack Kornfield urges us to “see the inner nobility and beauty of all human beings.” He offers some tips for honoring the dignity of the other. We can imagine the other when he or she was a small child, precious and vulnerable. We can imagine the other as elderly, frail, or approaching death (remember that a Buddhist practice includes regular recognition of the certainty of death). Or we can look at the other’s life right now and acknowledge the difficulties, the burdens.

In a Buddhist course I attended, the teacher set us an exercise to practice seeing the inner nobility of the people we interact with in our daily lives. Twenty or so of us were to walk slowly and mindfully around the room. When the gong sounded we turned to the nearest person and looked deeply into that person’s eyes, recognizing his or her uniqueness, preciousness, Buddha Nature. When we heard the gong again we continued our mindful walking until the next gong when we stared into the eyes of a different partner. The exercise continued and by the end we had all looked deeply into the eyes of eight or so people.

In the debrief, group members reported many positive feelings and had clearly developed an appreciation of the potential for “sacred perception,” which they intended to apply to their relationships in daily life.

Me, I felt traumatized.

I decided to tell Geoff about my experience at our next meeting. “I just found the experience of staring silently into someone’s eyes excruciating. I felt so self-conscious and awkward, I wanted to disappear. But in the group debrief, everybody seemed to have enjoyed a completely positive experience.”

Part of me expected Geoff to perform a full-blown Freudian psychoanalysis complete with questions about my relationship with my mother. Yet Geoff generally prefers to soothe the voice of the drama queen and bring problems back into their proper perspective.

“I’ve got a feeling you weren’t the only one in the room who felt a bit uncomfortable. There is a tendency in spiritual groups for everyone to enthuse about what they are experiencing, but this can sometimes end up silencing other important voices that need to be heard as well.”

“So it’s not just me?” I checked.

“My teacher, Joko, used to start every meeting with a meditation where we sat opposite each other staring into each other’s eyes.

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